Guy in a dark fleece jacket
sits in the cinema foodcourt,
reading alone, fingering his cell
though her number isn’t on it,
though he wouldn’t call regardless,
knowing he must stay a stranger
still, he pauses, and sees her
in the privacy of his own mind,
odd smile, forest green scarf
wrapped thick round her neck:
he thinks she looks
lovely and stubborn and brave,
he daydreams to animate her
while the foodcourt bench
etches squares into his forearm
with its greasy brown tiles,
and overhead neon lights flash
‘Fuku Sushi’: pallid spearmint
alongside warm salmon.
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Comments
'forest' in the 3rd strophe really made it for me - the evocation of that closeness and quietness of, duh, the forest, really seemed appropriate to the surrounding lines. Like retreating into the forest of one's own mind. However, this strophe was the weakest, I think. 'languid neck' in particular is an odd thought.
The final strophe was wonderful, and together with the first lines, bookends the piece fantastically. They're tight, and the imagery is clear and strong.
Very visual and poignant, all things considered, and easily relatable.
--
Moved to ~ARIrish.
I absolutely agree about the third strophe being the weakest. That particular line has been bothering me for a while, funny you picked up on that one specifically. Hmm. What do you think of
--he thinks she looks
as a substitute for the languid line. Too abrupt?
Thank you kindly, much appreciated.
--
'Beauty will save the world'
--Fyodor Dostoevsky
The replacement line is, I think, better if not ideal. Abrupt is maybe the word, yes, though I'm drawing a blank at how to change that and sound natural... wait for a few more comments - maybe someone will have an answer
You're welcome, I'm trying to get back into the habit of commenting regularly.
--
Moved to ~ARIrish.
and FUK U sushi is a hell of name
--
one half of ~ZombiesAteUs
Haha, it's actually real: [link]
It fit too perfectly.
--
'Beauty will save the world'
--Fyodor Dostoevsky
I know what you mean.
--
'Beauty will save the world'
--Fyodor Dostoevsky
Wonderful line.
and overhead neon lights flash
‘Fuku Sushi’: pallid spearmint
alongside warm salmon.
Beautiful imagery.
(I have a photo of a restaurant with that name)
--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.
Thank you.
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