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UPDATED. Thanks everyone for the feedback so far!

Critique suggestions for anyone in a giving kind of mood:

*Plot holes, or unsatisfactorily explained/justified implausibilities

*Whether the whole thing actually really works or not

*Any points where the prose doesn't sound like the viewpoint character's train of thought, actions, sounds more like authorial intrusion

*Whether you felt reading this story actually constituted a good use of your time

*Viewpoint character having a clear and understandable goals or desires that serve as the motivation behind their actions

*Whether any parts jar or are distracting when you read

*Any parts that tell' too much instead of 'showing'

And anything else useful, really
Add a Comment:
 
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013
You have a gift for describing the poetry of life.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013   Writer
Ah thanks very much! You're far too kind :)
Reply
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
No, I'm really a bit of an ogre, but you're most welcome,
and it's entirely true. :)
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013   Writer
Well, all I can say is that if you're an ogre I wish more people were ogres!
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
:iconcongratulationplz: on the DLD. A little surprise for you this day. :) I already fav'd this, so can't again. I like it very much.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Haha thank you so much, a nice little surprise indeed! So pleased to hear all the positive response to this piece :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
You're welcome.
Forgot to write 'I love the title, too,' even though I had to look the word up in my dictionary, which I use at least ten times a day, I like it.
I really do appreciate new words in vocabulary. Thanks.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Thanks! It sounded appropriate, sounds bee-ish, more so than Apis or to my mind anyway
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
It's nice to say aloud.
And it's a wiser choice than "Apis" for sure ;)
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:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Yeah real euphonic
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
The whole story is nice to read aloud.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012   Writer
Ah, that's lovely to hear. Many thanks again!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
VERY engaging!
Congratulations on your DLD. :sun:
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Ah thanks very much, that's always wonderful to hear
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Congrats on the DLD! :heart:
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Thanks very much! :D
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012   Writer
Why thank you, I'm honoured.
Reply
:iconprideofpanem:
PrideofPanem Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012  Student General Artist
This is fantastic <3 I haven't read a lot of very good stories on deviantart, but this by far is the best.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012   Writer
Thank you, your words honour me :)
Reply
:iconaeonsonance:
aeonsonance Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
Oh, very interesting and quite riveting as it unfolds.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   Writer
Thanks very much, that's very encouraging to hear :)
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:iconaeonsonance:
aeonsonance Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
My pleasure :)
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:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   Writer
:)
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012   Writer
Really nicely done!
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012   Writer
I find sometimes it helps to sit on these things for a bit, and come back to revise feeling a little... well, objective-er anyway haha. Thanks again for your initial feedback, it helped quite a bit when re-considering the overall framework of the piece :)
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   Writer
You're welcome -- and I'm glad. Mostly folks think I'm annoying that way. :D
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   Writer
Haha. Yes, some can indeed be like that. To my mind though, no room for ego if you're serious about improving, eh?
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   Writer
Definitely. :) Keep a thick skin on (but trust your own judgment, too).
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   Writer
Exactly :) It's the only way to grow.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconsolaces:
Solaces Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012
Wow. This is really passionate. Yes, passionate. The details seem carefully considered. The dialogue is lively. It just feels overall...cozy.

I'll see what I can do as far as critique goes:

The first section is particularly strong. This is where your description is especially vivid and precise. More specifically, I enjoyed this passage the most:

"It's duller, fuzzier than all the others he's seen, and warmer too, somehow—something about it just seems nicely warm. Like wax from a candle just snuffed out. Soft, creamy."

I think, though, that when it gets to the second section, it starts to get a little slow. A little too much of an info dump. There's not enough showing us the character's desire to sneak up on his grandfather, or what makes the grandfather the right person to talk to in this case. I guess my issue is with the development of the grandfather: he's not concrete enough.

Take this bit for example:

At the very least, he'd be full of theories. Grandpop always loved to tell stories, wild tales of the strange creatures that used to roam about the land—back in 'his time'

Here, you describe the grandfather as a storyteller, which is all fine and dandy, but the thing is, it's a bit generic. Grandfathers tend to be that storyteller in literature; it's almost an archetype, it seems. So what sets this grandfather apart from others? He is always coming up with theories? Maybe you can expand on these things, make the details more concrete, so that the grandfather feels a bit more alive.

Lying atop his rattan bedspread, its coarse weave indenting his forearm,

Awkwardly phrased. The problem lies in the modifiers: the first one is dangling there and not modifying what it is supposed to. By the way this is worded, the bedspread is lying ontop of itself.

A possible way to revise:

Lying atop his rattan bedspread, he feels the coarse weave indenting his forearm,

Obviously, the wording could be much better, but all I did was fix it so that the character was doing the lying. You can reword that however you see fit!

Other than that one syntax issue, the third section is strong, probably some of the best writing in this story.

The fourth section, too, is very articulately written, although it does leave a bit to be desired. The bee's death and funeral is spot-on, so that's not the issue. I guess, again, my issue is characterization. I don't feel I quite get to know Jo's role here. It's clear she's indifferent about the bee's death, and the description of her eating the water-beetles in the previous section was striking, but here she just seems to fizzle out. Maybe it's for the best, as this story does focus its attention on the bee mainly. Just maybe it's something to consider.

Hope this helps!
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012   Writer
Hello; just to say that I've featured your wonderful critique at #theWrittenRevolution's biweekly feature here (under Featured Critiques). :)
Reply
:iconsolaces:
Solaces Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012
Oh cool, awesome! I'm honored.:heart:
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012   Writer
:heart:
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:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012   Writer
Hey thanks very much, that's more than helpful! Some great points to consider particularly with the second (I know, 'ol' storytellin' Grampaw' is pretty trite as far as tropes go!) and final section. And yes quite right, that dangling modifier is beyond awkward haha. I will mull over some fixes as I revise. Thanks very much again, your thoughtful and thorough critique is much appreciated!
Reply
:iconleyghan:
leyghan Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Fantastic story. Loved the characterizations. I shared the boy's wonder, chuckled at Grandpa and found myself wanting to box Jo's ears. :+fav:
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
Why thank you, you're far too generous haha. Very pleased to hear characterisation worked for you.
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012
strong dialogue and a command of direction. Written with authority as is usual. Me likes.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012   Writer
Ah thanks, you're much too kind.
Reply
:iconunholycookie:
unholycookie Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012
This is excellent. The information provided does a great job of presenting the world as normal and not taking focus away from the character.
Even though this future world isn't the one I live in, the piece gave me a sense of familiarity or deja vu that I think is a very good quality to have. Toward the end I even found myself getting a little misty about the plight of the honeybees, since this future seems like a possible one. The funeral at the end ties the micro and macro aspects of the theme together really nicely.
The only thing that really stuck out to me is that I have trouble accepting the idea of just one honeybee. Even if they are almost extinct, how could she exist without her hive? But it was easy to accept and move on for the sake of this lovely piece.
Well done.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012   Writer
Why thank you, that's always a pleasure to hear! Especially the 'getting a little misty' part.

Haha yes... where's there's one there's probably thousands. To be honest, my intention was that this would give a sense of hope, without overdoing the whole sense of hope thing, getting too cloying, you know? Like a subtle thread of hope beneath the surface. Perhaps though I've gone too far the other way and it's overly subtle--I'll have a look at some potential revisions.
Thanks again!
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012   Writer
Does Jo actually try to feed it electricity (somehow), or does the bee die eventually on its own? (I need more coffee....)
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012   Writer
Have added:

'...not her problem, she'd shrugged, trotting out the door, alligator clips trailing the battery in her hand.'

Improvement? Many thanks again for pointing that out!
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012   Writer
Did I miss the alligator clips?
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012   Writer
Yes, haha. They were there... and now gone again. I'm considering a few options re: reworking the piece at the moment. Thanks for your feedback though!
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012   Writer
Ah, I was hoping the former was implied. Perhaps a point for revision. Thanks for that!
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012   Writer
Perhaps it was and I didn't properly infer it. :D
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012
People are generally self-centred ignorant fools. This story well-demonstrates that fictionally and in the future results.
Reply
:iconpseudometry:
pseudometry Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012   Writer
Ah, exactly what I was going for. Fantastic. Thanks very much!
Reply
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